Ask The Preacher's Wife: How Do I Deal With Haters?
“Dear Lady Mel,
I’m struggling to even put my feelings into words.
My husband and I are both young adult leaders in our denomination (We aren’t AME). Because of our position, we often travel for church services and other business in our region.
It seems like every time we go somewhere, I hear from close friends that we are being talked about. Everything from our clothing to our ministry to our family gets discussed, but no one ever says anything to us.
I’m so tired of smiling in the faces of the people I KNOW are talking about us. I’m trying to stay saved, but this is starting to wear on me. Please help me. How do I deal with my haters?
”
Hey Kee,
Whew Sis! Where do I start? It’s hard enough to have to deal with this in the secular world, but having to deal with church folk is just so sickening.
Help me Holy Ghost.
The ME in me is like “Grip em’ up after service in the parking lot”. But, please don’t do that. Ha!
Jealousy is REAL! I HAD a so called “friend” who would come to me with EVERYBODY’S business. I had never in my life been the recipient of hearing other people’s business like this…and it was soooo juicy. Every time, I saw her name pop up on the screen, my heart would skip a beat. You’d have thought, I was waiting for a call from my boo or something! Yup! I was looking just like ole girl in the yellow shirt up in the thumbnail image of this post (You just went back to look at it didn’t you?)
Even though I simply sat and listened, I knew I was dead wrong. And, like my grandmom used to say, “A dog that will bring a bone will carry one back”. And sure ‘nuff, that dog started carrying my name in her mouth like it was a doggie treat.
Side Note: Heyyyyyy Hater!
Lord, forgive me. She knows who she is.
Truth is this! Not everyone who claims to be your “friend” is in your corner. In this blog post, I talked about the 37 lessons I’d learned, in my then, 37 years of life. Here’s a snippet from that post on friendship:
You will have haters. This was a tough lesson for me to grasp because I really don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I believe God gives each of us gifts and skills. My gifts might be different from yours, and that’s OK. I genuinely want the best for other people. Not everyone thinks this way! People will dislike you because of what they feel they lack. Your clothes, your swag, your gifting, your job, your spouse, your looks, and on and on. That’s their insecurities. Pray for your haters. Walk in your anointing.
Now, I’ll admit, at times, prayer is the LAST thing I want to do. However, because I realize that most folk who talk negatively and gossip about others are most likely struggling with their own insecurity and low self-esteem, I really do try to pray for them.
Don’t test me though, I deliver hands like Jesus delivers, grace and mercy; FREELY.
And PLEASE don’t think that women are the only ones who gossip…some of these dudes are out here leaking information like Takashi 69.
Anyway, I really want you to free yourself from the opinions, thoughts, and jealousy of others, so I made a handy dandy list of…
4 Tips To Deal With Your Haters
One: Ask God to Give You Discernment
The term discernment is so often misused. I’ve heard people “discern” everything from the emergence of a new boo to the securing of luxury cars. Help the people, Jesus.
Biblical discernment is the ability to see or perceive, without judgement, in order to obtain spiritual direction. In other words, in this instance, you have to be connected to Jesus in order to be directed on the motives and actions of others.
If you read your Bible (in my Madea voice), Mark 8:33 and Matthew 16:23, records the words of Jesus as he rebuked Peter:
“But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.””
Matthew 16:23 NRSV
Real quick…Jesus was telling the disciples that he was going to Jerusalem to be tortured and mistreated at the hands of the chief priests and scribes, and would essentially be put to death.
Here comes Peter, with his human nature leading the way, telling Jesus, “Nah…don’t say that. You aren’t going to die”. Jesus knew in that moment, Peter lacked discernment, because his statement failed to acknowledge God’s reconciling power in the soon coming death and resurrection of Jesus.
So, I said all of that to say this. Make sure that what you are discerning is, in fact, jealousy (also known as hate). There are some people who are so infatuated with themselves they believe they are the envy of everyone’s eye. People like this are equally as dangerous as a hater, because they too, will make up anything in order to feel powerful and relevant.
Two: Stop Allowing People to Bring You Mess
After I kicked ole girl in the throat to the curb, I made it a point not to allow any other person to ever bring me mess. That instance was the first, and it was the last. I’m now comfortable stopping people mid-sentence with this; “Let me stop you right there…”. This applies to other folks’ business and it applies to any “information” being brought to me about me and mine.
No, you cannot just tell me one thing.
No, I don’t care about what such and such said about me the other day.
No, you cannot tell me anything negative about my friends or family…in fact, that’s the one thing you bet NOT do.
And in the rare event, information slips through the cracks, I always respond with “tell your lil friend I said meet me at (a common intersection), so I can backslide right quick!”. I’ve even been the one to write a text message so it can be screenshot or copy and pasted, verbatim. My aunt Carolyn taught me that one: Only speak what you can bear to hear repeated.
At the end of the day, I 👏🏽 DO👏🏽 NOT 👏🏽 PLAY 👏🏽 ABOUT 👏🏽 THIS! Stop allowing other people to bring you information. Ask God to help you discern the people in your circle. These people are NOT your friends sis! Your REAL friends would never allow other people to speak negatively about you in your absence.
Three: Remember Who You Are and Whose You Are
It might sound a bit cliche, but it’s very true. When your identity is rooted in Jesus Christ, it really doesn’t matter what other people say about you. I can’t lie, this takes time, prayer and practice.
I was released from the opinions of others in my late 20’s. My mentor, Toni O, and I were having a conversation, and she said:
There are people who say “Oh, Toni and I go way back”, and I’m looking at them like “I don’t know who the hell you are”. Point is, I can’t control how people view me or their relationship to me.
That thing spoke to me! I realized in that moment, I simply cannot control what other people think, say, or feel about me. Good, bad, or indifferent, someone will always have something to say. That’s their business.
Four: Be Sweet Anyway
This is a hard one. Y’all know my favorite thing to do is give people the death stare! So, when I know I’m going to have a hater-sighting, I prepare myself in prayer. I begin to pray for my Peter-like spirit to dissipate, while I ask the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart.
Every single time, I end up experiencing a shift in my mind and in my heart. Forgiveness is often always a part of this experience, as I ask God to forgive me for my ill-feelings, and I ask God to help me forgive others. Ya know…same as that part in The Lord’s Prayer…
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.Matthew 6:12 NRSV
But don’t stop reading there! The very next verse is also a part of the praying…
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.Matthew 6:13 NRSV
Basically, you’re asking God to keep you from cussing and backsliding when you get into the presence of the enemy.
Note: Satan can use ANY ONE of us to cause chaos and confusion. None of us, no matter how sanctified, are ever exempt from being used by the enemy. I want to be clear here, so we aren’t walking around calling people the devil, when they are being used by the enemy.
And if you keep reading, Jesus circles back around to forgiveness, almost as a reminder of how important it is to forgive in our everyday living…
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Matthew 6:14-15
All of this preparation allows you to walk into any room knowing and believing that you are spiritually connected to God’s power. It is this power that will allow you to genuinely be sweet to your haters.
I know they talked about you and your family. Be sweet anyhow!
I know they plotted on your ministry. Be sweet anyhow!
I know they tried to assassinate your character. Be sweet anyhow!
I know they played “concerned” while trying to diminish your skills and gifts. Be sweet anyhow!
I can walk into the room and genuinely greet the same people who I know for a FACT have attempted to harm me with their words. It’s not being fake or phony either. It’s called spiritual maturity.
Don’t get me wrong, we ain’t sitting around kee-kee’ing, but I am able to be in the presence of the enemy and walk in my purpose in spite of what they might say or do.
Note: If you need help with forgiveness, click here!
So Kee, I pray this propels you to free yourself from the opinions of others and continue to walk in God’s purpose for your life. Remember, it’s God who defines you. No one else has that power, so don’t give it to them!
Peace and Love,
Lady Mel
“What say you? Have you ever had to deal with haters? What was your experience? Comment below!”
