Real Talk: I Lost Myself After The Baby!
Listen, I LOVE being a mom. I love being able to guide our daughter each day as she navigates big (VERY BIG) feelings, learns sequences, and learns to complete tasks.
The fact that I feel like I have to start with a declaration of love, comes from the fact that in so many spaces, anything that feels like a “complaint” about motherhood is met with questions about the mother’s ability to love and care for their child. That’s a part of the problem if you ask me.
In the past year and a half, my complete identity has shifted. So much so, I often have no idea who I’m staring at in the mirror.
Yes, I’m a Christian. I’m a Black woman (and of course Black women are infallible super heroes 24/7). I’m a Wife. I’m a Mom. I’m also a social worker, a student, a professor, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, and a godmother. And of course, I am a First Lady.
I can intellectualize all of them. However, up until a few months ago, I was Shia’s mom, and that’s it. My every waking moment was focused on motherhood.
At night’s, I’d be up reading Montessori activity books and developmental psychology articles to ensure I was stimulating our daughter’s mind. I’d spend time researching products and toys. I spent time in my textbooks rereading information about developmental delays and sensory issues. And let’s not forget the time I thought I was a star on Chopped and was in the crib making thousands of homemade mini pancakes made from all organic, natural, vegan, gluten free, allergy free, wholesome, Christian, kosher, halal, ingredients.
I was exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
All of my attempts to honestly communicate my need for some type of break to others were met with comments like:
"You only have one child, I had 5 and I made it through.”
“You can take a break when she’s 18.”
“At least you have a partner to help you, so many women do it alone.”
“You are fortunate to have gone on so many vacations in the past.”
“Put that money towards the baby’s college fund.”
“Save that energy until you have the next baby”
Side Note: If you didn’t read last week’s post “A Request to The Congregation: Stop Shaming Single Women”, go read it now, so we can stop worrying about the wombs of others.
I felt like I was a horrible mom. How dare I feel like I needed a break? How dare I even part my lips to complain about anything? It’s true. I have an incredible partner, who is an amazing father, and an amazing village. I’ve been on incredible vacations before the arrival of baby. I guess we should start saving for college, right? Is my body able to even have other children?
It all pushed me into a space of guilt and seclusion. I dug into motherhood even deeper. Everyday was (and still is) filled with lots of activities and time engaging Shia.
Y’all remember that time I Got Fired, right? Yeah…I remember writing out how I allowed a job define who I was. I declaratively ended that post with something like “I’ll never let anything define me, except for Jesus…..blah blah blah!”
And there I was, after crying and praying so hard for God to bless us with a baby, feeling guilty about just wanting to take more than an 8 minute shower and sleep for like 10-12 hours at a time (I was called a hibernating bear by my nephew once…ya girl LOVES to sleep).
But then something happened!
At the end of 2021, as I said my prayers, God spoke very clearly to me and told me to “MOVE FORWARD”.
As I processed this, I realized God was calling me into action. Regardless of my fears and my flaws, I was going to move forward. If I failed, so what. If I had to try more than once, so what. Just move and God will do the rest.
This shook me to my core. I realized in almost every other area in my life, outside of motherhood, I was terrified to move forward. I was terrified to fail. And so, my coping mechanism was to stand still and do nothing. However, I was committed to do what God said do!
I started moving!
I jumped back into planning with a digital planner (love it so much more than a paper planner) #PlannerGirl
I started journaling every day. I started writing again. I started my research again.
And as God promised, God began to meet me.
I got a call about a teaching opportunity. I’m doing some consulting work on several projects. I’m investing in my own health and wellness.
I feel like I’m finally emerging from the fog! I no longer feel guilty about taking time to care for myself. I no longer feel as if I have to be present at every single event. I no longer feel bad about saying “I’m sorry, I can’t.” I no longer feel guilty about letting The Preacher take up some of the slack in areas where I felt so guilted into holding onto.
I’m drinking my water, greasing my lips, and keeping my hair moisturized. And guess what? I’m going to Jamaica next month!
I told The Preacher the same thing we tell Shia’s grandparents when we go visit their houses; “She’s your responsibility now.”
Being a mother is hard! So, to all the Mommies, I see you! It’s NORMAL to feel terrified, guilty, and uncertain. It’s NORMAL to think “What the hell have I gotten myself into?”. It’s NORMAL to want a break from everything and everyone. It’s NORMAL to feel as if a part of you is lost forever.
But, it’s NOT ok to stay stuck.
I challenge you to trust in God and MOVE FORWARD! Find one thing that you used to do that you may have stopped doing since the baby was born. Just one! Now is the time to re-start it. Don’t wait until next week or next month. As soon as you get done reading this (and sharing it), go START! Ask God to meet you as you move forward, and watch God order every single one of your steps.
And of course, you know my motto, “JESUS AND THERAPY”. If you are experiencing significant disruptions to your everyday life, including your relationships, your job, etc., SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP!
I wouldn’t change this journey for anything. I’m certain that every challenge is an opportunity for God to show me who God is. Notice I didn’t say “every challenge makes us stronger”….that’s such a horrible cliche.
Now let me go and google some vegan recipes so I can fit into this bathing suit next month!😜🇯🇲
Love Yall!
Lady Mel
“Any moms out there who can relate? How are you feeling? Check in in the comments section! ”
