Ask The Preacher's Wife: How Can I Forgive Someone Who Is Not Sorry?
“Dear Lady Mel,
How do you go about forgiving someone who wronged you and whom shows no remorse?
My mom says you have to forgive them for you, despite them. But how do you actually do that? How do you forgive?”
“Real talk, every time I see you, I want to beat the sh!t out of you.”
Sis, I’m not talking to you! Ha!
These are actually the real words, from a real text that I sent on August 17, 2021 at 1:14PM (iMessages are set to delete…NEVER).
When I tell you I feel your question deep within my soul, it’s true. While not knowing your specific situation, I do know the feeling of betrayal you might be experiencing, and the tug of war to close a door where you never got the resolve you needed. In most cases, that resolve is an apology.
Long story short, I had a friend. HAD is the operative word here! We were very close during our teenage years. Our families are linked together, and through that connection, my former friend and I were able to form a very close relationship, where we referred to each other as “best friends”.
Through long distances and spaces where phone conversations were not always regular, we still maintained a friendship. We confided in one another. And when mess hit the proverbial fan in both of our lives, we were there to support one another.
Until…..
that ugly, lying, manipulative, bald-headed, sociopath, betrayed me! (listen…I’m a work in progress).
Betrayal is such a hard pill to swallow. But initially, even in the betrayal, I tried to rebuild a friendship. I tried HARD.
The former friend went through a crisis AFTER the betrayal, and during the crisis, they apologized to me (you now a crisis will have folk falling over the alter at church). I accepted the apology and forgave. But then, things got stranger. The more I attempted to rebuild and repair, the more my former friend began to drift away.
In retrospect, I would have respected if the relationship just ended. But, it almost seemed as if the former friend began to accuse me of doing/saying things that we both knew didn’t happen. It was manipulation at it’s finest. And it’s only been in the years of processing after the friendship ended, that I realized, emotionally immature people would rather blame you, instead of being accountable for the things they’ve done.
That was the short and sweet version for these internet streets. Trust me, there were lots of tears, and lots of anger and confusion along the way. And like you, I never got a real apology.
So How Can You Forgive?
I’m not going to lie, anger felt good for a long time. I have this gift (not spiritual), where I can be standing in front of someone and see directly through them. That’s because, in my mind, the person went on to see the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords in the Upper Room.
It wasn’t until The Preacher and I were having a conversation about forgiveness in general, that I burst out crying and released years of tears.
The truth is, I was masking my intense hurt with anger.
Did the events leading to the split anger me? Yes. However, I was hurt. But the strong, Black, Alpha woman that I’ve grown to become, prevented me from processing the hurt. Instead, I formed a wall of anger to protect my heart. And truthfully, that wall, prevented me from healing.
As I’ve moved towards self-healing (and forgiveness), here are a few tools I’ve used. I pray they might help you as they have helped me.
1. Acknowledge Your Hurt
As I wrote here and here, black folk have been in survival mode for so long, we often don’t take the time to process our emotions. Chile, we got too much work to do. That job ain’t gone work itself, and the house ain’t gone clean itself. But, we HAVE to take a moment to keep it real with ourselves.
You may be currently experiencing anger. Hell, it might be rage. You might be thinking of a way to print flyers and post them on poles around town like “Don’t trust this fool if you see them”. Ok…maybe that was just me!
But take the time and space to identify your true feelings. I promise that in most cases, underneath the anger and rage, lies hurt.
Note: If your hurt is the result of severe mental, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse, you may need to seriously consider professional therapy, and that is OK!
2. Understand Grace
Essentially the definition of biblical grace is unmerited favor, meaning, we can experience blessings, forgiveness, love, etc., even when we don’t deserve them.
In our Christian walk, when we realize that each of us have done and said some things that have not been kind, but we have received the love of Jesus, in spite of those things, we can begin to extend this same grace to others. (I know that was a run on sentence)
Even now, think of a time when you totally messed up. You may have been dishonest. You may have been unkind. You may have cussed somebody out from alpha to omega. You may have gossiped.
Do you have that moment in your head? Good!
If in that situation, you did not experience the full blow of repercussions, for whatever reason, you experienced grace.
Your dishonesty could have caused you to lose your job, but it didn’t.
Your gossiping could have torn up your family, but it didn’t.
That’s an example of grace!
When you think about it from this perspective, you can begin to understand why we need to show grace to others.
3. Show Empathy
In most cases, people don’t just go around with the intention to hurt people. I know I referred to my former friend as a sociopath earlier…I don’t really mean that! But, I do know that they have some serious mental health issues that have gone unchecked.
The adage “hurt people, hurt people”, is true.
Life does not always give us perfect lives, with perfect parents, and perfect opportunities. For some, experiences of trauma can impact the way in which they develop and maintain future relationships with others.
In transparency, when my father died and I observed how his family acted, I was shocked he even survived childhood. Them people were OFF! In that moment, I experienced a level of empathy for my father that I couldn’t feel in the past. It was almost as if that moment prepared me for dealing with this broken friendship.
In moving towards forgiveness, I’ve had to empathize with my former friend. And I truly hope they can deal with their own stuff (just like we all have to) and begin to develop new ways of dealing with other people.
4. Forgiveness Is Possible
If you noticed, I didn’t start with forgiveness. That’s because work must be done to get there. Forgiveness does not happen immediately. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that the anger and negative feelings will subside. However, forgiveness does begin to free you from being controlled by your anger.
A few years ago, my Step Mom-In-Love and I had a conversation about Jesus’ teachings on forgiveness.
Then Peter came and said to him, “Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times. - Matthew 18:21-22
As we talked, I was convicted by the Holy Spirit to understand this passage in a deeper way. So often, we believe that forgiveness is a one time thing. We think that once we utter the words “I forgive you”, we breathe deeply like Whitney Houston did on Waiting To Exhale.
SIKE!
Forgiveness can often be a continuous process of submitting your anger to Jesus again and again and forgiving a person over and over. Real talk, sometimes when I see my former friend (when I actually acknowledge that they are not a ghost, but is actually standing right in front of me), I have to pray and ask God to help me to forgive.
One of my mentors said it like this:
Melanie, you have got to learn how to forgive. It doesn’t mean you allow people to walk over you, but you can’t allow them to manage your heart. It’s called being mature in Christ!
Genuine forgiveness is a sign of spiritual maturity. It is an outward showing of the Holy Spirit’s presence that lives within us. Forgiveness allows us to have full control of our hearts, and allows the Holy Spirit to work on our spirit (which influences our actions) as we grow in Christ.
Our forgiveness is about us regaining our control and not allowing our feelings and emotions to be dictated by the actions (or inaction) of another person. We also forgive because we know that Jesus forgave us, even on our ugliest of days (Ephesians 4:32).
Forgiveness does not mean being docile, quiet, or inactive. Nor does it mean that you will never again experience anger again. Forgiveness doesn’t even mean that the anger dissipates in the moment. But it does mean that you are not holding on to hatred, which will allow you to continue to walk in your purpose and calling.
Note: Again, If your hurt is the result of severe mental, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse, you may need to seriously consider professional therapy, and that is OK!
So What About That Text Message?
I know you want to know how that text message ended witcho nosey self!
After a few more paragraphs, and maybe 2 more cuss words (again, Jesus is working on me), I accepted the fact that the friendship was over. I then uttered the words I thought I never could:
I do know that hurt people, hurt people. [I understand why you act the way you do]. I also believe that healing is possible. Healing is my earnest prayer for you. I forgive you. Take care.
You talking about HARD? My Lawd, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. Writing “I forgive you” to a person who probably doesn’t even give a damn, will probably never acknowledge their mess, and who I will never get a response from, was very challenging. But guess what? I didn’t care.
That text wasn’t for my former friend. That text message was for me.
I’m working daily to be more like Jesus, and that means forgiving other people as Jesus forgives me. This doesn’t make me weak. It makes me self-controlled and powerful.
Note: Ninjas know not to test me though…this Peter Spirit will make me cut an ear or two off, but anyway…
I’m praying that you can move forward on your road to forgiveness. Your peace of mind depends on it!
Peace and Love,
Lady Mel
“Have you ever had to forgive someone who never even acknowledge they were wrong? Comment below!”
