Nov 3

Nov 3 Here’s How To Save 2020 Since Y’all Jacked It Up To Begin With!

Black Culture, Church Culture, Faith, Humor, Lifestyle

Hey Usher Board!

I know it’s been a while. And if you’re following me on Facebook and Instagram, you know that The Preacher and I welcomed a beautiful baby girl on Friday September 11, 2020. She is truly a gift from God.

Oh, you didn’t know? Ok then…go follow me like…NOW! And read all about our road to pregnancy here!

Anyway, welcome to Level 734 of Jumanji! It certainly feels as if everything has been shot to hell. And when I think about it, I blame all of y’all for allowing us to get here in the first place.

You read that correctly, it’s YOUR FAULT!

Reason One: Ya’ll Messed Up The New Year’s Collard Greens

We all know that in the African American tradition, certain foods are prepared to celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of the other!

Staples like black-eyed peas, some type of pork and collard greens, symbolize health, wealth, prosperity, and good luck for the incoming year. Also, traditions like making sure the house is clean before the clock strikes 12am and allowing a man to be the first to cross the threshold of your home are also supposed to bring on good luck in the new year.

But Noooooooooo, some of y’all got bougie in 2019 and went into 2020 acting uppity.

Half of the Black delegation went vegan in 2019 and decided to skip the smoked turkey necks in the collard greens and the bacon with the black-eyed peas; and it shows.

Don’t get me wrong, The Preacher and I are very much aware of the health benefits of the vegan lifestyle. While we have certainly limited our meat consumption and have largely removed dairy from our diet, we still went into 2020 like we knew better.

I didn’t cook anything because we both were sick (The Preacher swears we had Covid), but my aunt sent us a full New Year’s meal, and we honored our cultural traditions. So, we know it wasn’t us who messed up 2020.

While half of y’all skipped eating right, the other half insisted on not cleaning up your house!

We were doomed from the start!

Reason Two: Y’all Were Late To Online Church

Of course, the Covid-19 pandemic has caused us so much anxiety and for some, pain from the loss of loved ones. It also forced local congregations to move to virtual services. Most churches quickly shifted to ensure the safety of it’s congregants by moving to some type of online worship.

Note: For those who risked lives by continuing to worship in person during the early days of the pandemic, y’all really do have to answer to God about that. Furthermore, YOU are another reason why 2020 was shot to hell!

Y'all had ONE task; get to online church on time. But nope! Once again, y’all jacked it up!

In full transparency, I am y’all!

I can’t lie, it was difficult for me to get to church on time before the pandemic. The Preacher and I started driving separate cars to church years ago, because I’m just right on time or a few minutes late to EVERYTHING!

The pandemic didn’t change that! I literally just lose track of time. So, even though I didn’t have to apply makeup, put on a Spanx, go through multiple outfits to find the perfect look, I still couldn’t manage to open Facebook and navigate to the church’s page to be in virtual worship on time.

Forgive me Jesus!

I know I’m not the only one though! I also know that this was probably one of the things that broke 2020.

Reason Three: The CME’s Weren’t Able To Get To Church On Easter Or Mother’s Day

Everyone knows about the CME’s. And no, I’m not talking about the Christian Methodist Episcopal Church.

I’m talking about those folk who only show up to church at the request of Big Mama on Christmas, Mother’s Day and Easter.

This large group of people were unable to fulfill their 3 day quota for the year and it’s clear that this action led to the breaking of 2020.

The regular church folk were so distraught about missing Easter Sunday, they dressed up in their living rooms to look at virtual service. But, the CME’s had no clue what to do! Most didn’t even know the schedule for online church, while others showed up to the church and were shocked to find the doors locked!

This caused a butterfly effect and drove the CME’s into confusion, chaos and early therapy!

We blame them!

Reason Four: Y’all Went Challenge Crazy On Social Media

I know those early days of social distancing and lock-down were difficult. And in order to survive, we relied on social media to connect with family, friends, and church members who lived outside of our households.

BUT, some of y’all took it too far!

I mean, there were challenges for days and weeks and months. The challenges and hashtags were never ending. There was the…

#GirlDadChallenge
#PostAMaskChallenge
#PostAPicAndTagPeopleChallenge
#PlayThisGameChallenge
#BeforeAndAfterChallenge
#DontRushChallenge
#DressUpChallenge
#FiveDifferentLooksChallenge

Seriously, the list goes on and on and on! And let’s not forget all the games we played of answering 20 “Have You Ever” questions!

Perhaps, all these challenges somehow broke Beyoncé’s internet and started a downward spiral into the abyss. I’m not really sure about this, but it’s a good guess.

Reason Five: Y’all Dressed Your Kids Up As Demons and Witches For Halloween

I’m not getting into the debate about celebrating Halloween as Christians. But I will say, when I was 17, I worked at a law firm as a clerk with two witches. No seriously, like legit real-life witches; two sisters who practiced Wicca.

During a conversation about Halloween, I was informed that Halloween is to Wiccans as Easter is to Christians. It is a highly spiritual religious practice for them.

I never celebrated Halloween again.

Note: That law firm was completely dysfunctional. I’d never seen grown men hollering down hallways and cursing at each other like that before. One older partner called the other partner’s mother a female dog. Ha!

But anyway, I saw it all across your timelines a few days ago. Instead of dressing your kids up as precious little Bible characters like:

Lil Moses
Lil Solomon
Lil Esther
Lil Ruth and Naomi
Lil Paul The Apostle
Lil Holy Ghost
Lil Baby Jesus In A Manger

yall decided to dress them up like Freddy, Jason, Chucky, Witches, Vampires, and police offic…oh wait wrong post!

But, y’all get the point! It’s YOUR fault!

Note: The people who put up Christmas decorations the day after Halloween are also to blame for our plight!

How Can Y’all Fix It?

Listen, this is the LAST thing I can think of to possibly right the rest of the year. This HAS to work!

VOTE!!!!!!

Today is the day to make 2020 right! If you fall into any of the above categories (and most of y’all do), now is the time to be accountable for your actions and do what’s necessary to make it right!

This is probably one of the most important elections in the history of our democracy, and it’s important that YOU engage in the process.

While I want to say “It doesn’t matter who you vote for, as long as you vote”, that’s a LIE! In this election, it really does matter who you vote for!

Beyond party affiliation, this election is about the moral compass and values of the candidates. The Bible is clear: you can tell a Jesus Follower by the fruit they bear. While no person is perfect, and all have made mistakes, a rotten tree will produce rotten fruit. Periodt!

So, let’s make our ancestors proud of us today! If you haven’t voted early, get to your polling place TODAY and do what’s necessary to fix the remainder of 2020!

We’re counting on YOU!