Ask The Preacher's Wife: How Can I Recover From Church Hurt?
“Dear Lady Mel,
A few years ago, I literally quit church!
Without giving too much detail, I was mistreated and disrespected by my pastor and several church leaders. I’ve never been treated with such disrespect in my life, and it angers me even more because these are church people.
I haven’t shared this with anyone because I’ve been afraid that I will be told “it’s all in my head”. I want to reconnect with church in 2020, but frankly, I’m still very angry.
How can I recover from this “church hurt” and get back into church?”
Dear P.K.,
First things first, let me acknowledge your anger, hurt and frustration. If I can be 100% honest, I believe we, as the body of Christ, miss this step when we begin to talk about “church hurt”. We often want to begin to fill in the “who” and “what” of the story in an attempt to assign blame. We’ve gaslighted people to make them believe their pain is invalid and not real. We’ve over-spiritualized everything to the point that addressing hurt and pain is seen as a sign of weakness and faithlessness.
This is not effective!
So, with that, I’d like to validate where you currently are and what you currently feel. The details of the story don’t really matter. What matters most is that you are making steps to move forward, and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of that process.
Messy Church Folk
If we’re gonna keep it 100, some of y’all Church Folk are MESSY!
Lawd have mercy! I mean like just all the way wrong and out of order. I’ve got stories for days too.
Like that time, Bro. Jenkins took Sis. Mary to People’s Court for $1,000 when she refused to finish paying for him to paint her house.
Or, like the time when the saints refused to pay the new Pastor, put locks on the church doors and decided to protest by attending the old Pastor’s new church.
Or, what about the time Johnnie Jr. started sleeping with his step mama after Johnnie Sr. died.
And, let’s not forget all the times when Mother Myrtle got up to sing “Precious Lord Take My Hand” ONLY because she thought she could get a record deal from being discovered on the church’s Facebook Live account.
Does any of this sound familiar? It should! And it’s not a scene from Greenleaf!
The issues that we see in the modern church are not new. Remember, the early church were groups of people who lived, fellowshiped, and worshiped together within community. And yes, there was drama. If you don’t believe me, read 1st Corinthians!
Bro, they were over in Corinth wildin’ out!
There were all kinds of divisions in the church. Church folk were suing each other. Folk were more worried about which preacher to follow rather than following Jesus. They were spiritually immature and using their gifts to glorify themselves instead of God. And let’s not forget about the man who was sleeping with his stepmother.
Paul addressed these issues one by one, and basically continued to remind the church of this one thing; “Ya’ll need Jesus”.
We ALL need Jesus!
Again, because we are being honest with each other, all of us, regardless of our intentions, have been in a position to hurt a fellow brother or sister in Christ by our thoughts, words and actions.
While Christians are called to emulate Christ, because we are always in a wrestling match with our flesh, we have flaws that only the Holy Spirit can remove. As spiritual maturity occurs and we grow in our faith, we can be more Christ-like in our everyday interactions.
Spiritual Maturity, Accountability, and Forgiveness
A few weeks ago, I text one of my mentors to ask about someone who had mistreated her in the past (She will find out about her new mentor position when she reads this post. Ha!). I was perplexed because my mentor, in spite of the mistreatment, had a very authentic interaction with this person. Like…she was genuinely nice to her!
Now, the Lord is still working on me because I struggle with forgiveness, and it’s very difficult at times to be nice to folk who have contributed to my hurt. And I darn sure ain’t ki-ki-ing with them in person. Nah fam, you gone get this death stare.
Help me Jesus!
Anyway, here was her response:
The Bible says to bless those who do you harm and God will set a table before you in their presence. Her memory of me will be of my kindness towards her…and I am sincere about it.
After rolling my eyes, sucking my teeth, and retorting with reasons why I couldn’t forgive, she replied again:
Melanie, you have got to learn how to forgive. It doesn’t mean you allow people to walk over you, but you can’t allow them to manage your heart. It’s called being mature in Christ!
Oh no she didn’t! No she didn’t basically say that I was spiritually immature! Oh no she didn’t call me out on my mess and hold me accountable!
Yeah…she certainly did!
In that very moment I was convicted in a way that I wasn’t in the past. I never considered that my inability to forgive was contributing to my spiritual immaturity.
As I’ve prayed about forgiveness over the past few weeks, God has shown me that the offense doesn’t matter. The reasons why they did what they did, doesn’t matter. The fact that they understand why what they did caused hurt, does not matter. What matters is that I find it in my heart to forgive.
Forgiveness allows me to have full control of my heart, and allows the Holy Spirit to work on my spirit (which influences my actions) as I grow in Christ.
Whew! You talking about difficult? I want to hold on to some stuff a little longer, if I can be honest. I want to deliver the death stare a few more times. And the truth is, I’m giving it all to God piece by piece. It’s definitely a process!
People Hurt
What we are really dealing with is not “church hurt”, but rather “people hurt”.
In my blog post, Yes, I’m a Millennial! No I’m Not Leaving The Church, I addressed my own experience with “church hurt”. I relabeled church hurt as people hurt, or the damage that comes when dealing with imperfect people juxtaposed against an erroneous perception that this imperfection has something to do with God.
If what we experience is really hurt caused by people, why do we often take it out on God and become spiritually disconnected?
It’s rhetorical!
Here is typically the part of the story where folk say “Well, I may have left the church, but I didn’t leave God. I worship God every day of my life”.
That’s Nice! But the bible is clear. As Christians, we are called to exercise our faith in worship with other believers. While you can and should worship God at all times, the bible instructs us to worship together.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”
So what does any of this have to do with you?
Well P.K., I’m so glad you asked! As my brother in Christ, I’m holding you accountable in love and in truth!
Address Your Hurt: If you feel the need to address the people who hurt you, seek wise counsel and take someone with you (a mature believer, not your wild cousin Pooh). Understand that you addressing them might not render an apology. Also understand that in addressing your hurt, you may have to address hurt that you may have caused.
Addressing your hurt might also include you speaking with a mature believer (again, not your cousin Pooh), who can offer you biblical advice and help you move forward.
And in other cases, when the hurt is a result of severe mental, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse, you may need to seek professional help…and that’s OK!
Forgive: If you want to move beyond your hurt and reconnect with Christ and the body of believers, you have to forgive the people who hurt you! I know it’s hard. I know it feels like an impossible feat. I know that the hurt has caused you many sleepless nights and tear-stained pillows.
However, forgiveness frees you, and is a sign of spiritual growth and maturity. Your ability to forgive allows you to walk in faith and surrender the situation to God, trusting that God will fix it how God sees fit.
Forgiveness might not be a one time thing. You may forgive today and then see the person and the thought of karate-chopping them in the throat might cross your mind. In that moment, forgive them again, and ask God to forgive you and your Peter spirit (read your Bible)!
When we forgive folk, we can have genuine, loving, Christ-like interactions with them, regardless of how they feel about us!
Get Reconnected: A part of you may blame God for allowing you to go through this storm. If so, it’s time to get naked before the God of all creation. Keep it funky! David did in the book of Psalms! Tell God how you feel and allow God to work on your heart and mind.
After you’ve clearly communicated with God, ask God to lead you to a church where you can get active and grow in Christ. It may be the church you took a sabbatical from. It may be a new church.
Note: If your hurt is the result of severe mental, physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse, you may not ever be able to reconnect with that same church, and that is OK!
Regardless of where it is, trust God that God will lead you to connect with a body of believers. In the words of The Preacher during the call to discipleship:
“We aren’t a perfect church, I’m not a perfect Pastor, but we do serve a perfect God, who fills us with His perfect Holy Spirit who makes us more like Christ everyday.”
Bro, I’m praying that our perfect God will continue to strengthen you as you heal from the hurt caused by imperfect people.
While this might be a hard lesson to experience, I believe it’s a necessary one, which we all must experience at some point in our lives. Truthfully, we might as well grasp it now, because this will not be the last time we will be hurt and need to move forward in Christian maturity.
Peace and Love to you!
Lady Mel
“I know many of us have experienced “church/people hurt”. What was your experience and how did you move forward in serving God? Comment below!”
