Jun 3

Jun 3 Ask The Preacher's Wife: How Can I Navigate While Being Black And Christian?

Ask The Preacher's Wife, Ask Lady Mel, Faith, Lifestyle, Mental Health

“Dear Lady Mel,

I am so tired! Like, seriously emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually drained. Anger is an understatement. I’m tired of watching OUR people suffer, and I’m struggling to see Jesus in any of this! In fact, I often feel conflicted with being angry and wanting to forgive because I’m a Christian. But I’m tired of turning the other cheek. I want justice! How can I navigate this mess while being Black AND Christian? ”

— Kim, San Diego, CA

Hey Kim,

Can I keep it 100? I’m PISSED!

I’ve been stretched so far emotionally, mentally, and spiritually with everything that is happening in these United States, and I can empathize with you! WE are struggling.

Before I attempt to offer some type of answer to your question, let me just address the readers for a minute.

Let me tell you all what this post will NOT include:

Ways to address racism and systemic oppression in white spaces
Ways to pray away feelings of anger
Accolades to non-black allies
Respectability politics of any sort
Catering to white fragility, white tears, or white rage

Why did I have to address that?

Girl, because I’m clear that in this time period, my purpose is to address the body of Christ, with the needs and feelings of the Black Christian community at the forefront.

I am and will always be Unashamedly Christian and Unapologetically Black!

Therefore, to those that find offense at my list, that’s fine…there is a blog post with your name on it somewhere in cyberspace. But here AIN’T IT!

In his 1897 autoethnographic work, The Souls of Black Folk, W.E.B. DuBois explored the concept of “double consciousness”, or the experience of “always looking at one’s self through the eyes [of a racist white society], and the feeling of always needing to measure up to a white standard of being”.

Since this foundational work, the term double consciousness has been used to express the experience of many people across various minority groups. The term “intersectionality” is rooted in the understanding of double consciousness, and addresses the other ways in which our various identities often cause conflict in our everyday lives.

No, you don’t have Disassociative Identity Disorder, and different identities are not trying to “come into the light” like in the movie Split.

But, what you are most likely feeling is that mental tug of war between being Black, being Christian, and being a member of any other minority group, for example, living with a different ability or being a member of the LGBTQAI community (Yes, I know what I wrote Mother Mabel).

If I can be honest, these past few weeks have not been good. I have not been OK. I have not read the bible like I should have. I have cussed. I have cried. I have blocked folk on social media (ya’ll know how that goes) and honestly, my feelings have ranged between, “God I know you see us” to “Smite the oppressors down to the pits of hell Lord”. And then comes the guilt of feeling as if my anger, and in some moments rage, have been an affront to God.

It ain’t!

Understand that for many of us, our understanding of Christianity has been rooted in white supremacy. The scriptures have long been used by white “Christians” to justify a multitude of sins, including chattel slavery. And to make matters worse, black preachers were often forced to use the scriptures as a way to quiet down any insurrections that would cause enslaved Africans to revolt against inhumane treatment.

With that, can come this sense of guilt with being angry with the oppressor. Understand that this position is a whitewashed one! And like our ancestors, we’ve learned to just keep moving forward in order to survive, trusting that God will, in God’s time, heal and deliver!

Don’t get me wrong, I know God is a healer. I know God is a deliverer. And, I realize that as God is being God, we have to be OK with exploring our anger, hurt, pain, rage, and everything else in between.

So, with all of that, lets dig in to address a few things that can help US get through this difficult time.

Creating Safe Spaces For US!

I became a member of the National Association of Black Social Workers, Inc. when I was in my first year of graduate school. I remember the power and affirmation I felt, being in a room with professionals, academicians, researchers, and clinicians that looked just like me. It felt safe. I felt secure. And then, Karen came along!

Karen came in the form of white men and women, asking “Why can’t we join?” Initially, I felt a sense of guilt when answering this question. However, as I continued to be educated on oppression and our experiences as Black people in America, I felt secure in my position.

Karen can’t be a part because we NEED spaces for us, by us, to address US, without any outside opinions, questions, or distractions, that would prevent us from being able to freely express our joys, fears, challenges, and successes as a community.

This doesn’t mean there will be no disagreements or differences of opinion. Trust and believe there will be out right arguments. However, in exclusively black spaces we do not have to be mindful of the “white gaze” or the necessity to live up to standards not set by us.

And nowadays, my response is simply “Because you can’t, Karen”. (walks away sipping tea)

You Don’t Owe Anyone An Explanation For Your Anger

In moments like these, you don’t have to explain yourself or justify your feelings of anger and rage to anyone. In fact, if you are hiding those feelings, now is the time to let them out…in a SAFE space.

When I saw the video of George Floyd’s murder (because, let’s call it what it is), I went into an immediate state of rage. I’m glad I was in my house, because I was ready to physically fight. Now, I don’t know who I was fighting, but I was ready to swing on anybody that moved.

Anger is not a sin! Anger is an emotion. Because God has given us our intelligence, God’s Spirit, and our emotions, it is OK for us to experience them. BUT…and there is a but, we cannot allow our anger to drive us to sin!

For example, had I gotten so enraged I actually did go out and smack somebody in the face, I would have allowed my emotion to get the best of me, followed my human flesh, and turned away from God by doing something outside of God’s will. That’s sin.

The bible’s instructions are clear:

Be angry but do not sin - Ephesians 4:26

The rest of the verse continues:

do not let the sun go down on your anger

Paul wasn’t married….so I know he wasn’t talking to me, because Lawd, The Preacher can work a nerve so hard, I need at least 24 hours to convince myself that divorce is not the answer. Help me Jesus!

We Do Have To Forgive

Look, I don’t even want to type this right now. And I disconnected from my church live stream on Sunday when The Preacher started talking about it. But, understand that forgiveness does NOT mean turning a blind eye to injustice or overlooking continued hurt and oppression.

Our forgiveness is about us regaining our control and not allowing our feelings and emotions to be dictated by the actions (or inaction) of another person. We also forgive because we know that Jesus forgave us, even on our ugliest of days.

In this case, forgiveness does not mean being docile, quiet, or inactive. Nor does it mean that you will never again experience anger at injustice. Forgiveness doesn’t even mean that the anger dissipates in the moment. But it does mean that you are not holding on to hatred, which will allow you to continue to walk in your purpose and calling.

That’s all I have to say about that! God is still working on me.

You Do Not Have To Educate Racists

Hear me very clearly. It is not the job of the oppressed to educate the oppressor on why their oppression is disgusting. Especially when we begin to understand and dissect white supremacy.

White supremacy is a system of power, in which it’s participants receive benefits (privileges) for being a part of the oppression of other groups. White supremacy is rooted in the sin problem and is upheld by white folk who knowingly and unknowingly participate in the system.

It is NOT our job to help them understand the history and pain of Black folk. It is NOT our job to help them feel better about the ways in which their role has silenced and caused erasure among minority groups. It is NOT our job to wipe white tears or soothe white rage.

Because white supremacy is a system and construct created and sustained by white folk, it’s their responsibility to dismantle it piece by piece. Not ours!

Note: Thank you to the Black folk who continue to engage in the work of anti-racism training. We love you and lift you up as you do the work!

Mind Your Mental Health

I say this often. It is important that we as Black folk take the time to unpack the ways in which systemic racism has impacted our mental health.

In the blog post, When The Joy Of Jesus Is Not Enough, I addressed the historical reasons why Black folk often neglect our mental health.

From the Trans-Atlantic slave trade to the dehumanizing institution of chattel slavery. From Black laws during Reconstruction post Civil War to Lynching Laws. From “Separate But Equal” during Jim Crow to the “War on Drugs”. From the “Three Strike” rule to Mass Incarceration. From [all the bodies we’ve lost to police brutality] to continued systemic racism enforced through politicians and policy at every level, we as Black folk have done one thing; SURVIVED.
However, often times, survival has come at the repression of our feelings of fear, grief, anxiety and depression, because truthfully we haven’t had the time to process.

Being black in America is mentally draining. From code switching to figuring out “appropriate” hair styles to “speaking properly” to working and living in all-white spaces, it can literally be exhausting.

Now is the time for us to spend some serious time addressing our mental health. Addressing your emotional and mental health does not make you any less of a Christian or any less strong!

#JesusAndTherapy

Know Who You Are and Who’s You Are

I know I could add this to the list of church one-liners along with:

I’m blessed by the best and not taking the devil’s mess
Just have a little talk with Jesus
They’re in a better place
You’re stronger than you think
Jesus is your lawyer in the courtroom and doctor in the sick room

But, I need you to understand how much truth is in this sentence.

Know Thyself is the title of a book authored by Dr. Na’im Akbar, a clinical psychologist known for his African-centered approach to psychology. This book introduces the concept of Sankofa, which is the ability to look back in order to go forward.

In other words, Dr. Akbar describes the absolute necessity for us to know our history through our own cultural lens, which has been edited and whitewashed in order to continue the history of oppression.

We MUST learn to tell our own story.

We need to know that our history begins long before the first Dutch ship arrived to the Americas with enslaved Africans.

We need to be aware that the first human beings to walk the face of the earth looked like us.

We need to be aware that our acknowledgement of God is just as innate to us as our DNA, and understand why Dr. James Cone theorized that in order to be liberated, we must first view God in our own Black context.

We need to be aware that God was God of the oppressed. Jesus was no sucka, and in His divinity and in His humanity, Jesus stood up against oppressive systems and injustice.

And when we know who we are and who’s we are, we can continue the work to reclaim what’s been lost and restore what’s been broken in OUR homes, OUR churches, and OUR communities.

So, What Does All Of This Have To Do With Jesus?

EVERYTHING!

God is with us, and God sees what is happening! And it’s OK that sometimes in our humanity, we cannot see or understand God’s plan. But be certain; it ain’t this!

On Sunday, I was a complete mess. I cried for what felt like hours, begging and pleading with God to step in and do SOMETHING! I was so angry, my flesh didn’t want to read not nare scripture, but the Holy Spirit led me to Habakkuk. I’ve studied Habakkuk on many occasions, but this time, I read it with new eyes. Habakkuk asked:

O Lord, how long shall I cry for help,
    and you will not listen?
Or cry to you “Violence!”
    and you will not save?
Why do you make me see wrongdoing
    and look at trouble?
Destruction and violence are before me;
    strife and contention arise.
So the law becomes slack
    and justice never prevails.
The wicked surround the righteous—
    therefore judgment comes forth perverted.-Habakkuk 1:2-4

Most folk continue reading the first chapter of Habakkuk, not seeing God’s response. Not only does God respond in chapter 1, but God responds by calling out the nature of the oppressors, letting us know that God knows exactly who they are.

Look at the nations, and see!
    Be astonished! Be astounded!
For a work is being done in your days
    that you would not believe if you were told.
For I am rousing the Chaldeans,
    that fierce and impetuous nation,
who march through the breadth of the earth
    to seize dwellings not their own.
Dread and fearsome are they;
    their justice and dignity proceed from themselves.
Their horses are swifter than leopards,
    more menacing than wolves at dusk;
    their horses charge.
Their horsemen come from far away;
    they fly like an eagle swift to devour.
They all come for violence,
    with faces pressing forward;
    they gather captives like sand.
At kings they scoff,
    and of rulers they make sport.
They laugh at every fortress,
    and heap up earth to take it.
Then they sweep by like the wind;
    they transgress and become guilty;
    their own might is their god! -Habakkuk 1:5-11

Girl, God was almost like “You ain’t gotta worry about these racis…I mean folk, I got this”. And in chapter 2, God responds to Habakkuk’s complaint:

Then the Lord answered me and said:
Write the vision;
    make it plain on tablets,
    so that a runner may read it.
For there is still a vision for the appointed time;
    it speaks of the end, and does not lie.
If it seems to tarry, wait for it;
    it will surely come, it will not delay.
Look at the proud!
    Their spirit is not right in them,
    but the righteous live by their faith.
Moreover, wealth is treacherous;
    the arrogant do not endure.
They open their throats wide as Sheol;
    like Death they never have enough.
They gather all nations for themselves,
    and collect all peoples as their own. -Habakkuk 2:2-5

Whew Jesus! By the time I got done reading these passages, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was not sad, but shouting in joy knowing that God is a God of justice and does NOT take kindly to the oppression or mistreatment of God’s people.

In the word’s of The Preacher, “That’s a shouting moment”.

As we move through this time, which seems like uncharted territory, we can be sure of two things; God is aware of everything that is going on, and because we are a people who have fought to survive against all odds, WE WILL WIN!

Sit with your anger. Sit with your frustration. Sit with and then move through your grief as we collectively mourn the loss of so many black lives. And when it subsides, let’s work to continue the fight to ensure equity for all oppressed and marginalized groups.

Peace and prayers for your protection,

Lady Mel