I can remember periods in my life where I was certain that God’s intention was to punish me for ya know…..EVERYTHING!

I tell you, that old school “holiness or hell”, fundamental gospel steeped in fear was suffocating me. The “freedom” that supposedly existed in Jesus seemed far-fetched and inaccessible.

Especially when it came to that one little desire tucked deep away in my heart.

I can’t lie, in my early 20’s I dreamed about it. I prayed about it. And as 30 approached, I began to think that my desires would never be fulfilled. Mostly because I was being punished.

Side Note: I had to get free from a ministry that was oppressive. I was taught on so many occasions that I was headed straight to hell with roller skates dipped in Vaseline, that I began to resent God. That’s not who God is!

Anyway, at 30, I began to accept the fact that my desires of marriage and motherhood were not in God’s plan for my life.

I began to focus on my career and my educational pursuits. Yeah….some of ya’ll remember about that time I Got Fired And It Saved My Life…..Mmmm Hmmm, that didn’t turn out too great either.

I began to realize somewhere along the way that in order to live life fully, I had to completely trust God. And you know what? I did! But just a little bit.

I knew that marriage was the avenue to motherhood. But I was seriously tracking a package being delivered by FedEx…maybe it would be delivered, but the delivery date and status of the package was certainly unknown.

And then came The Preacher…with his fine self…looking all holy and stuff. It was on an Ash Wednesday and it was the first time I paid attention to him (because I’d known of him). Yes, he was in the pulpit. Yes he had on a clergy robe. And Yes I was in a pew asking God to help me focus on what the preacher of the hour was saying. But instead, I was mapping out the church to figure out how I was going to get to his line to get ashes in the shape of a cross placed on my forehead.

Judge your cousin.

Moving on. First came love. Then came marriage. Then came issues.

The Preacher and I were married in May 2017. We were moved (he’s an itinerant elder in the AME church) to a new city in June 2017, and after lots of um… (clearing throat) marital bliss…and I means LOTS of marital bliss, came a diagnosis of fibroids in August of 2017.

Side Note: Ain’t NOTHING like married sex! No guilt! No shame! No sitting in the back of the sanctuary with sunglasses hiding from the church mothers!

I was told there were so many fibroids inside my uterus, it had stretched to 3 times it’s regular size. If I wanted children, I needed them removed, and then, there was still no guarantee I’d be able to conceive.

I had an abdominal myomectomy in October 2017, and the largest fibroid removed was almost the size of a football.

Then came recovery.

Then came trying.

Then came counting.

Then came questions like “When are you going to have babies?”

Then came waiting.

Then came a positive pregnancy test.

Then came blood.

In July 2018, I produced a positive pregnancy test on a Sunday. By that following Friday, I was having a miscarriage.

I remember lying there next to The Preacher crying in pain, and him holding me tight reminding me that God knew our desires and God knew the plan.

I still cried. I still mourned.

And by that following week, I was back to life. Avoiding. Working.

Then came a new doctor.

Then came more INSENSITIVE and INTRUSIVE questions from well-meaning people.

Then came depression.

By December 2018, I lost my job. I lost a baby. I felt isolated and afraid. I felt that God had forgotten about me. And then came that old familiar feeling…I knew I was being punished.

I wanted the desire of motherhood to go away. If the desire wasn’t there, I’d be OK. But the desire never left.

The Preacher and I kept trying. And through the periods of trying and praying, I grew weary and began to feel as if it was all for naught. However, we kept praying and I finally got to the point where I told God “If it’s not in the plan for me to have children, I still trust you”. And I meant that with all of my heart.

After Jesus AND Therapy began in January 2019, I started to function differently. Mentally, I was healing. Spiritually, I was healing. My husband and I were figuring out marriage and ministry and I was learning to trust God more each day.

In August 2019, during my personal bible study, God led me to Habakkuk.

I will stand at my watchpost,
    and station myself on the rampart;
I will keep watch to see what he will say to me,
    and what he will answer concerning my complaint.
Then the Lord answered me and said:
Write the vision;
    make it plain on tablets,
    so that a runner may read it.
For there is still a vision for the appointed time;
    it speaks of the end, and does not lie.
If it seems to tarry, wait for it;
    it will surely come, it will not delay. ~ Habakkuk 2:1-3

God confirmed it right there for me. God knows and God will answer.

In November 2019, during a revival, the guest preacher and our dear friend asked me to stand up in the sanctuary and he publicly prophesied over my life.

Side Note: I don’t play with folk that claim to be prophets because I’ve heard some straight out dumb stuff, and I’ve told folk on many occasions “I don’t receive that”. But on that day, I received the word.

He said:

Praise your way through the remainder of 2019 because 2020 is your year!

That’s exactly what I did.

In January 2020, after both The Preacher and I swore we survived un-diagnosed cases of Covid-19, God’s plan came to life.

We conceived!

And six months later, after the fear of possibly miscarrying again. After the fear of sharing with others. After the prayers from our village, I stand in total awe of God.

Each time I feel Baby Hearst move, I smile. Each time I see a sonogram picture, I cry. Each time I think about how awesome God is, I’m completely filled, because I can remember the times I cried and prayed for this.

I pray over this baby’s life daily. We have already committed this baby back to God. And we ask God daily to allow us to be parents that will love, cherish, and respect each moment of our child’s life.

I’m a witness that God can and will fulfill the desires of our hearts.

For those who are struggling with infant loss and infertility, God is with you!

For those who are questioning God’s will for your life, God is with you!

For those who feel a void of not being able to have biological children, God is with you!

Baby carriage…arrived!

Baby Girl Hearst…arriving September 2020!

Oh, and P.S- STOP asking women when they are having a baby! Thanks!