Mar 4

Mar 4 What We Ain’t Gone Do: Public Discourse on Coronavirus and the Church

Church Culture, Health and Fitness, Humor, Popular Culture

Ok Listen! If I must admit it, I’m a true germophobe. I avoid public bathrooms. I never touch door handles. I wash and lotion my hands SEVERAL times a day. Shoes come off at the doorway, and outside clothes are not allowed on the bed. Even our puppy gets wiped down multiple times a day with sanitizing wipes.

Basically, what I’m saying is this: The Coronavirus got me all messed up!

And the media doesn’t help.

On Monday: “It’s a world wide plague, you will die”.

On Tuesday: “Wear a mask on airplanes.”

On Wednesday: “Masks don’t work, wash your hands.”

On Thursday: “The Arch Diocese has cancelled communion.”

On Friday: “Pence is the overseer of the disease” (Panic ensues)

On Saturday: “It’s just like the flu.”

On Sunday: “Avoid public places, restaurants, flying, driving, hand-shaking, speaking, and any activity that might cause you to come in contact with a human being, except babies and black people who can’t get the disease”

At this point, I don’t care what the CDC, the World Health Commission, The Space Force or the President has to say. My MOMMA said this would be the worst flu season ever, and she was right.

So, as a body of believers, we need to put some serious precautions in place to ensure that our houses of worship do not become a breeding ground for viral infections.

Here’s a list of 7 considerations for you to take back to your church leaders as we work to stay healthy and sane!

One: Rock ‘em and Shake ‘em; Shake ‘em and Rock ‘em is OUT

In the black church, when the pastor instructs the congregation to “turn to your neighbor”, it’s not rhetorical. The preacher actually means for you to physically turn and carry out an instruction.

Sometimes, the instruction might direct one to “tell your neighbor”. On other occasions, the instruction might direct one to “tap your neighbor”. And in the moment of the preacher’s close, when the spirit is high, the instruction might be to “grab your neighbor and rock ‘em and shake ‘em”.

All of this is banned until further notice.

While I understand that physical touching might be of greater concern, we must also be mindful of too much turning to your neighbor to tell them things. What if a sneeze came flying out in the middle of you telling your neighbor “No weapon formed against you shall prosper”? That sneeze might be the weapon to take somebody out!

Two: The Church Whisperer Must Be Stopped

In every congregation, there is a person who insists on getting extremely close to you to whisper something in your ear. Most likely, this is happening because it’s a moment in service where no one should be talking.

Mother Jenkins, I understand you want to tell me which pound cake is yours in the potluck line up, but that’s not something you need to whisper to me!

The bible says that everything that’s done in the dark will come to the light, so it’s no need for you to keep whispering in people’s ear. Say it out loud and save me from the spread of germs. Besides, if your cake is as good as you say it is, it’s not making it to the serving table anyway!

Three: Speaking of Church Potluck Dinners

This is tricky, especially as the season of Annual Days approaches (Women’s Day, Men’s Day, Usher’s Day, etc.)! While I want to say, all church dinners should be canceled until further notice, I believe strict precautions will suffice.

First of all, ain’t no more potlucks. From now on, a culinary committee shall be appointed, and all prepping and cooking shall be carried out in the church kitchen.

Secondly, the serving line must consist of at least one (1) usher to ensure decency and order as folk come though the line.

Thirdly, all utensils, plates cups, condiments, and rolls will be distributed by a gloved-member of the culinary staff. No more allowing little John John to grab all over the dinner rolls to reach the roll at the back of the basket.

Finally, hot sauce will be distributed upon request in a small condiment container. We will no longer pass the economy sized bottle from table to table.

Four: Bathroom Attendants Will Be Posted All Day

It’s just like going to a fancy restaurant and being greeted by a lovely bathroom attendant who stands by to offer any assistance. The church is stepping up our game!

Yes, it is weird. But necessary.

The bathroom attendant in church is present for one reason only: To ensure that you wash your hands properly.

I’m sorry in advance if this will cause you potential embarrassment because you decided to eat chili and beans for 3 days in a row.

Trust me, this is for your own protection.

Five: Holy Handshakes and Church Hugs and Kisses are Banned

In some churches, there is a moment to “pass the peace” by showing physical love to those in close proximity. In other churches, there is a moment to hug the visitors. And in other churches, there are moments where the congregation holds hands to sing.

All of that is banned immediately.

First of all, research shows that visitors are weirded out by random strangers coming up to hug them, especially when they are “unchurched”, so we can just wave to them, give them a welcome bag with cool church merchandise and keep it moving.

Secondly, I realize that it’s been the church tradition for 75 years to hold hands at the alter call and sway back and forth, as “Sweet Hour of Prayer” plays softly. That ends now.

Finally, I propose that we can, in fact, continue to pass the peace. Literally, throw up the peace sign, wave it around in the air and then sit down. ✌🏾

See…look at that…all is not lost!

Six: Communion Must Happen Differently

A few weeks ago, I worshiped at an Episcopal church. Their custom during communion is to sip wine from a communal cup after the priest places the wafer in your mouth. Alternatively, the parishioner is also allowed to to dip the communion wafer into a communal cup and place it in his or her own mouth.

I was ready to go share in the sacrament, UNTIL I saw the priest on my side dip the wafer in the cup and place it inside the congregant’s mouth. I’m not talking about a regular dip either. She dipped the wafer into the wine and wiped it around the rim of the cup like she was sopping up collard green juice with cornbread.

I watched the whole thing unfold in slow motion, and then, I sat back down in my seat.

That communal cup needs to be thrown in the trash.

In the AME Church, our discipline says the pastor (deacon/elder) who gives out communion must first use hand sanitizer to clean their hands. Thank ya Jesus!

If your pastor is not using hand sanitizer before giving out communion, then I’m sorry, I’d be very concerned. I’m not saying not to take it…but…ummm…nervermind, forget that; DO NOT TAKE IT! You better keep some club crackers and a grape juice box in your purse and take communion at your seat!

Individually wrapped wafers and communion wine/grape juice shall now be the preferred standard.

Seven: Hugging and Kissing on the Pastor Ends Yesterday

As a pastor’s spouse, I know that The Preacher would NEVER say this. As the shepherd, the pastor wants to maintain connections with his or her flock. And when the pastor is well-loved and well-respected, others want to share their love.

Note: Only church mothers of a certain age can kiss the pastor on the cheek…and you gotta watch some of them.

I understand that. BUT…

As the pastor’s spouse, it’s my job to cover him in prayer, which also means protecting him and taking care of him. Therefore, please understand that if the pastor gets sick, it impacts his/her family, household AND the church.

I have watched The Preacher be a PASTOR when he is sick and when he is well. I have watched him fret over the beginnings of a cold, in hopes that he doesn’t have to cancel meetings, or worse, won’t be able to preach.

So, please consider your pastor, your pastor’s spouse and family before you insist of hugging all on him/her.

There you have it folk; the list of things “We Aint Gone Do” until this Coronavirus situation is taken care of.

Make sure you share this with everyone you know, post this list in all church bathrooms, put copies in the church bulletin, and make copies for the next church meeting. Those who fail to plan; plan to fail.

Go with God!