Dear Jay,

Let us pray!

“Dear God, I don’t know why men think we are so complicated, but if it’s in your will, I ask that you not only bless Jay, but bless every man reading this article, that he might hear straight from you and NEVER again mess up Valentine’s Day or any other holiday. In Jesus’ name! AMEN.

Women are not complicated. Ok, well maybe we do ask you to make recommendations for dinner and then shut down all of your suggestions.

Or, I mean, maybe we have been known to passively aggressively respond “No” when you ask us “Do we need help washing the dishes?”

The truth is this…

• A. We want you to know what we are craving and suggest appropriately. If I say I’ve been wanting french fries all week long, don’t suggest Chinese food!

• B. YES, we need help washing the stupid dishes that YOU helped to make dirty. So if you REALLY wanted to help; don’t ask questions, just start washing.

Ok, I digress!

Anyway, we may be a little complicated, but the truth is, women and men communicate very differently. In order to make relationships work, each person has to learn to communicate with the other party in a way they understand.

Here’s an example.

A few weeks ago, The Preacher and I were relaxing at home. My hunger and his hunger are set up very differently. When I’m hungry, I become slightly unstable. He knows this!

So, picture it, it’s about 4:30pm, and I utter my first “Babe I’m hungry, let’s go to dinner”.

The Preacher continues to play NBA2k.

4:45pm: “Babe, I’m hungry, can we please leave to go to dinner?”

The Preacher responds “Sure”, but continues to play the game.

Like darkness covered the face of the earth when Jesus gave up the Ghost, the darkness of hunger was about to overtake my body. I realized in that moment, I needed to speak to the Preacher in a way he would understand. So, I closed my eyes and said aloud:

Dear Lord,

I know that you know just how hungry I am. Lord, I know Stanley heard me both times I said I was hungry. Lord, touch him right now in the name of Jesus, because in a minute, I’m going to get HANGRY, and Lord, you know your child; hangry is NOT a good thing. So, as I close this prayer, please let Stanley be getting up so we can get something to eat. I know you are able!

Amen.

When I opened my eyes, The Preacher was standing up waiting to leave.

Mission Accomplished!

See how easy that was? I just had to speak his language.

Figuring out this Valentine’s Day thing is similar. And in honor of Black History Month, I’m about to drop all of this valuable knowledge for the low cost of FREE.99. So, follow these six steps to get your lady the perfect gift for Valentine’s Day.

One: Know Her Personality

Like The Preacher knows my hunger profile, it’s important that you know your Significant Other’s (SO) personality.

There are some women who LOVE big symbolic displays of affection.

For example, I know you’ve seen Facebook posts of bedrooms filled with roses, candles, and balloons.

If your significant other likes this kind of stuff, then this would be a perfect display of your love. However, pay attention!

If you’ve ever heard your SO complaining about cleaning up daily messes, changing sheets that she just put on the bed, or is extra cautious about smelling gas in the house, THIS IS NOT THE SET UP FOR HER!

She, like many other women are not interested in cleaning up wax stains or worse, getting her kitchen hair singed by the candles you decided to put on the nightstand.

Two: Be Thoughtful

This is where I believe men and women differ the most.

Most women naturally think about the needs of their partner. We are socialized very young to take care of our dolls and nurture them. We push little shopping carts in the grocery store with our mothers as we purchase household items to make our homes run efficiently.

Most boys on the other hand, are socialized to play in dirt!

Ok, I’m being a bit facetious.

My point is this, men are taught to prepare to provide for their spouses financially and materially, while women are taught to nurture their spouses and their children.

Note: No, I’m not saying that ALL men are not as thoughtful, nor am I saying that ALL women are absolutely nurturing.

With that said, it’s important that you really take the time to think about the things your SO enjoys.

• Who REALLY enjoys endless crab legs at the buffet?

• Does she really like Jay-Z enough to go to his solo concert, or should you wait until the next On The Run Concert with Jay and Beyoncé?

• I know she watched the Super Bowl with you and cheered when you cheered, but does she really understand the game, or did she scroll through Social Media for 4 long excruciating hours? (Yes, I’m talking about myself).

So, Jay, on this Valentine’s Day, take a few extra moments out of your day to really think about what your girlfriend might want.

Three: We’ve Already Told You! You Didn’t Listen!

Here’s the truth about women. We are VERY strategic.

Most of us know exactly what we want and most of us are not afraid to say it. Now, we might not always say what we want out right, but trust and believe, we’ve communicated our desires in some way.

It’s not a coincidence that the same magazine is turned to page 37 every time you walk into the bathroom. No, it’s a message. That Versace perfume is on page 37, on a sniffable page.

We’ve probably passed you our phones to ask “Do you like this dress?” on our favorite shopping site. We really don’t care if you like it or not. We’re showing you what we want.

The statement “Babe, I love diamonds”, means exactly what you think it means “GET ME SOME DIAMONDS”.

See what I’m saying bro? We’ve already told you what we want. It’s up to you to pay attention to us and listen!

Three: It’s Really NOT About The Money

Unless you’re dealing with a complete Gold-digger, most women aren’t concerned about how much money you spend on a gift. Take this situation for example.

Erica Mena and Safaree recently married on VH1’s show Love and Hip Hop New York. During one of the episodes prior to the wedding episode, Safaree presented Erica with a large watch to apologize for lying.

The watch face was bigger than Big Ben, it barely fit her arm, but was adorned with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of diamonds. She smiled bigly (Ode to the end of the impeachment trial) and I’m sure they exited to the bedroom to do some um…yeah….some homework.

Anyway, on the wedding day, Safaree presented Erica Mena with a bracelet shaped into the signature of her deceased father. Erica’s expression was priceless. She broke down crying at the thought of having her father symbolically represented in the wedding ceremony.

Which gift did Erica appreciate more? I’d like to think she appreciated the less expensive bracelet, because it was thoughtful and meaningful.

Note: Thou shalt not judge the ratchet television selections of this Preacher’s Wife.

Four: Take Some Time To Plan It Out

This goes hand in hand with Number 1 and Number 2. Your thoughtfulness and your ability to understand who your SO is, will help you make a plan. Again, planning is another area where men and women differ.

I often wonder how The Preacher survived without me.

Just today, as I completed my online shopping order, I asked The Preacher if we needed to purchase soap. He replied “Nope”.

I should have known better, but I believed him.

I went into our supply closet to find two bars of soap left (one of which I placed into the shower).

I’m working on my communication style, so I adjusted my tone, turned with a smile and said with a high-pitched voice: “Babe, you said we didn’t need soap, but there is now only one bar left”.

His response: “Right, we don’t need soap”

Note: Please pray for me! I’m not alright!

Jay, don’t be like The Preacher!

If you know your girlfriend has been talking about trying out the new Thai restaurant, because you’ve been LISTENING to her, Google it and see if you can make a reservation for Valentine’s Day. (Do it TODAY Jay, Valentine’s Day is next week).

Five: Remember What The Day Is Really About

I know the meaning of Valentine’s Day has become super commercial. Companies want you to spend all of your money on chocolate that will get stale, roses that will die, and cards that will be thrown in the trash.

However, remember that the day is to celebrate love. And that does not only mean romantic love.

Let the important people in your life know how much you love them on a regular basis by doing the following things that are little to no cost:

• Leave love notes

• Clean out the car

• Clean up the house

• Wash a load of clothes

• Have a picnic in the house

• Netflix and Chill (only if you’re married, because we know what the chill means)

• Check out a free museum in your area

• Go outside and dance in the rain

Note: OK, I know I went a bit too far with that last point. Black women ain’t bout that life! But it sounded like a real life RomCom.

Six: (Honorable Mention)

Jay, this is very important. So please copy and paste this final piece of advice into the notes section of your phone.

Under NO circumstances (unless DIRECTLY stated by your SO), should you EVER purchase a 5 foot teddy bear from the brother on the corner to give to your SO as a Valentine’s Day present.

If you grew up in any major city, you already know the man on the corner that I’m referencing.

He only comes out for Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Mother’s Day and he’s only there for 3 days before the Holiday and the day of, until about 8pm.

He has an assortment of large and small stand-alone teddy bears, and small teddy bears in a basket with a balloon, wrapped in cellophane. On Valentine’s Day, you can purchase a single rose and on Mother’s Day, you can buy a single white, pink, or red carnation.

I’m telling you now bro, DO NOT purchase a thing from this man. You’re setting yourself up for failure.

There you have it Jay!

Follow these simple steps and you’re well on your way to making this Valentine’s Day a success.

And one more piece of advice since you’re still unmarried.

If it’s NOT an engagement ring, do NOT present her with jewelry in a velvet box. It’s not that she won’t appreciate it, but I guarantee, she will think you’re about to propose and will have to scoop her bottom lip from the ground when she realizes it’s birthstone earrings.

Remember, we’re waiting for Boaz with an engagement ring! Don’t play with our emotions.

Praying for you!

Lady Mel

Have a question so big you can’t ask the preacher? Click Below to “Ask the Preacher’s Wife”.

*This question was taken from my segment “Ask Melanie” on Wake Up With WURD with Solomon Jones on WURD, 96.1FM in Philadelphia.