Last week, my best friend (of over 20 years) and I, along with one of her friends traveled to Jamaica for a vacation. For me, it was a MOMCATION because we already talked about the fact that motherhood can cause some serious identity issues.

On that trip, I was able to meditate on all the ways God has blessed me through the years. As I sought to reconnect to God’s power, God also showed me that I needed to reconnect to ME.

Outside of being a mom, a wife, a First Lady, a student, and a friend, I am ME first! But, the more I pondered, the more I realized that there are some relationships that help to uplift and sustain, like the one with my best friend, there are some that need to be re-evaluated, and others that need to simply end.

Here are 9 tips to help you develop and maintain strong friendships!

1 Not everyone is your friend! It’s levels to this. Learn to differentiate the levels in your circle. Close friends are those people who you can be YOU with. You know each other in an intimate way (not sexually, even though a spouse will be in the close friend category), and you can share your real self. Friends are those “we cool” relationships. May share similarities. May hang out. Acquaintances are folk you may see on a regular basis and are cordial with. No personal information needs to be shared. The public are folk who have no real connection to your life. Move accordingly.

2 Now that you understand the levels of friendship, it will be easier to set realistic expectations of folk. Don’t expect Close Friend behavior from Acquaintances. Understand it’s ok for the same person to move across different categories throughout life. There have been folk who have been in the Close Friend category who have moved to Acquaintances…hell…some have moved to the Public category. You may need to grieve when people need to move. It’s ok. Grieve the loss and trust that God will supply you with lost friendships/relationships.

3 People will betray you. Whew Jesus, this is a hard one! Now, I believe when you are betrayed by folk, they are not typically in the “close friend” category. If they were, you placed them in the wrong category from the jump. Discern who needs to be where. Also, understand that if Jesus the Son of God was betrayed, we will be too. It’s ok to grieve during this process. It’s ok to shed tears, because betrayal can be a hard pill to swallow. And when you’ve grieved, FORGIVE and move forward!

4 You will have haters. This was a tough lesson for me to grasp too, because I really don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I believe God gives each of us gifts and skills. My gifts might be different from yours, and that’s OK. I genuinely want the best for other people. Not everyone thinks this way! People will dislike you because of what they feel they lack. Your clothes, your swag, your gifting, your job, your spouse, your looks, and on and on. That’s their insecurities. Pray for your haters. Walk in your anointing.

5 When God sends you close friends, value them and love them. I have several friendships that have spanned decades. It’s no way I’m not going to nurture those friendships in every way possible. This doesn’t mean disagreements will not happen. This doesn’t mean that there will be “dry” periods, but it does mean that I realize the friendship is a gift and I must work to maintain it.

6 Don’t be afraid to walk away from people who may have shared a space in your circle at an earlier time in life. Not every person is meant to stick around for a lifetime. It’s OK to walk away. God will replace, replenish, and restore lost “friendships”.

7 Don’t allow people to manipulate you into staying in an unhealthy friendship (goes for relationships too). Friendships that cause you emotional, physical, spiritual, and/or mental harm, are not healthy, and should be severed immediately, and then go to therapy! #JesusAndTherapy

8 Everyone smiling in your face and calling you “girlfriend” and “brother” are not your friends. Ask God to help you discern where folk belong in your circle and govern yourselves accordingly. Thanks Mom Mom for teaching me this lesson!

9 You can choose to distance yourself from people and still show them God’s love, regardless of how ugly they may have been to you. Let God handle it. Love God. Love People. Now, y’all know this takes work…cuz some folk deserve to receive hands! But, trust that God will help you detach emotionally from the folk and still show them genuine love.

There you have it friends! I pray this can help you as we continue to navigate life. Not all relationships/friendships will last. None will be perfect. But, know that God does not intend for us to be alone in life. We are relational creatures by design. So make sure you are doing your part to maintain strong God-centered relationships.